Here’s a guest blog post by Summerita Rhayne on “How to revive relationships when it is the need of the hour?”
Although I’m an author and not a relationship expert *smile* I’d attempt to answer this.
I’m intrigued by your phrase ‘need of the hour’. When do you decide that you ‘need’ a particular relationship? Is it upto us to wait for some opportune moment and then decide to revive a relationship? It is not. And much of this truth is echoed in my book ‘More Than Just Desire’. You cannot steer relationships according to your own whims because the other person has a mind and will of their own and they may not wait while you decide what is important to you. Let me ask you. Can you help the way you feel? No. So, if you can’t control your own emotions, how can you control the emotions of other people. However, you can try to improve your impression and that you can do by your actions. If you continuously show a person that they are important to you, they can make a place for you in their life. Again, it’s totally upto them and not an obligation on their part. You cannot force anybody to feel in any particular way.
To get to this in detail, I’d like to discuss here the physiology of emotions.
Emotions are perceived in an area of the brain called the limbic system. This area has very few connections with the thinking part of the brain called as cerebral cortex. So emotions are to a large extent independent of our thinking ie our rational mind. Your thoughts may tell you that a certain person behaves well with you and you must like them. But you might still feel anger or dislike towards them because of the way your limbic system is wired. Compounding that, other areas of the brain respond to rewards ie factors which produce pleasant feeling in us and punishment…you guessed it…factors which produce unpleasant feelings in us. These areas have connections with emotion areas and produce what we call as instinct. Hence instinctive dislike is not under the control of our mind. So reviving a relationship is in large part also dependent on the other person. Whether their emotional areas are favourable to you or not. What you can do is what is under your control i.e. your motor area or your actions. You can show by your actions that you care for a person. As it is often said, love is a verb. So, concentrate on doing but be prepared to face disappointment too. It’s a part of any relationship.
Having come this far a little more about the physiology of love.
During our growing up years all of us are conditioned to form barriers against love. It is true. Even though there is an infinite capacity to love, in each of us, still because of these barriers we are not able to love as we would like to. In some people this conditioning is against almost everyone and these people are very difficult to get along with. But in most well adjusted people, this is mostly discovered only when we are in a romantic relationship. That is because love of a romantic nature requires a sort of commitment without guarantee of security that we can expect from other relationship e.g. blood relationships. The conditioning tells us not to accede to certain demands that may be made on us or to put down the other person in a certain way or to resist making them the center of attention. The more conditioned a person is, the more difficulties they face in maintaining a love relationship. Love requires a surrender of the sense of self completely and most of the time that is an impossible task to attempt for any long length of time. However, we can do it in small doses, which is why love and romance is sizzling and intriguing in the initial stages but gradually becomes jaded or simply a burden. To ‘revive’ a relationship, it is necessary to realize first what makes us hold back. Why a stage has come that we have to revive and not just maintain it? Until we overcome our own barriers, we cannot start working on others’ barriers which is necessary to make any relationship work.
Hope this helps in providing an answer to your question.
Thank you again for inviting me to share my thoughts. 🙂
Impressed with your answer. To great extent we are conditioned to form barriers as we wish to avoid hurt & pain. It reminds me of Jim Carrey’s quote:
“To find real peace you have to let the armor go. Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world”.
Those in search of happiness have to run the risk of getting hurt, betrayed & yet again standing up until one finds what one is looking for.
Summerita Rhayne is the author of “More than just desire”. You can get the copy of “More than just desire” by following the link below:
We at stayfoolish.in, wish Summerita Rhayne ma’am good luck for her future endeavors.
With Great Love,
Er. Amit Yadav
Life is easy..!